The Measure

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Halloween Costumes For the Grown-Ass Man

Get In the Spirit While Retaining Your Dignity

October 8th, 2015
Halloween Costumes For the Grown-Ass Man

If all else fails, just get a creepily realistic horse head and put it on. Photo credit: Silveira Neto/Flickr

It’s been well established that refusing to wear a Halloween costume does not make you cool.

Halloween is the time to show off your personality and, assuming you have one of those, it’s not that difficult to pull off. Also, it’s about having fun.

Still, most men don’t have the time to sit around pondering costume choices like they did when there was nothing more stressful in their lives than half an hour of math homework. Never fear, we have some great Halloween costume ideas that will show the world you’re more charming than the whipped cream atop a pumpkin spice latte.

In general, when it comes to Halloween costumes, it’s important to consider the “Ralph Macchio Rule.” Remember the Halloween party scene in The Karate Kid where the kid went as a shower — complete with curtain — and nabbed the attention of the cheerleader? What that means is simple: With enough confidence, you can pull any costume off, no matter how goofy.

And yes, he later got his ass kicked, but that’s what happens when you pull a prank on the Cobra Kai.

Oh, also: no racist, bigoted or misogynist costumes this year, ok? You might think your Caitlyn Jenner get-up is hilarious, but mocking marginalized cultures becomes less interesting every year.

Any Candidate But Trump

Take one of these, add some orange face coloring and ... oh, forget it.

Take one of these, add some orange face coloring and … oh, forget it.

Donald J. Trump will most likely be the most popular Halloween costume at every party this year, although it might be a tight race with Pizza Rat. Don’t be the guy that dusted his skin with the cheese packet from a box of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. With roughly 8 million people running for president in 2016, there are plenty of other options. Try out Bernie Sander’s finger-in-an-electric-socket hair, or a thirsty Marco Rubio. Defiant county clerk Kim Davis and Mike Huckabee would be an acceptable couple’s costume.

You could always try to be a Frankenstein version of all of them. Pair Rand Paul’s curls with Ben Carson’s glasses and general sleepiness, then wrap the whole thing in a smart pantsuit a la Hillary Clinton (or just carry around printed emails). Congratulations, you’re now Election 2016 — and feel free to bust out the Doritos dust and slap some on your face to complete the mix.  

Deflategate

Tom BradyThis is a perfect go-to last minute costume if you haven’t thought about Halloween until October 30. With just a gray t-shirt, a Patriots knit hat and a popped football, you can go to any party as the sports scandal of the year. Online Halloween stores are also selling deflated football costumes, if you want to be a little more obvious.

Bonus points if your better half is going as a convincing Gisele Bundchen.

Pope Francis

With His Holiness’ recent stateside visit, Pope-mania is currently at an all-time high. Pope costumes are readily available online and at Halloween stores if you don’t own a lot of flowy white garments. Pope Francis often opts for a white skullcap (called a “zucchetto” in the Church) and wears eyeglasses. A large gold cross necklace would complete the outfit. On Halloween night, make sure your Uber is a Fiat.

The Jinx 

Want more pop-culture reference? Here’s a costume that is about as easy to put together as incriminating yourself on a hot mic. Been there, right? To pull off a strong Robert Durst, just throw on a grey v-neck sweater over a button up with pleated khakis — bonus points for grey hair spray and black contacts if you can find them. To complete the look, put a blonde woman’s wig in your pocket, carry a hoagie, and pin an ear bud to your lapel for a mic. Boom, license to be crazy and get away with it.

Other Easy Ideas

For less work, other costumes that will grab some attention is a Spectre-era James Bond (most of the posters show Daniel Craig in either a tight gray mock turtleneck with a holster, or a white tuxedo jacket) or, our last minute favorite, a meditating Don Draper.   

Or Just Go With the Holiday Spirit

Not feeling the full-on costume this year? Understandable, sometimes it's just too much work for the busy guy. Try out the orange Santiago Shawl by Trumaker and stick the holiday spirit without the sacrifice in style.

Get The Sweater

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